I flopped at my new year’s resolution already.

At the beginning of 2020 I had one resolution: I was going to read all the books I owned or had put on hold at the library before I purchased or checked out any new books. My count came close to 140-something. I counted the list four times while I drafted this and it was a different number every time so ballpark it is. A big ass ballpark sized motherfucker of a TBR stack.

Now I am the type of reader who will simply refuse to read a book if it feels like an assignment. I read maybe a grand total of four assigned books all through my school years. Even making monthly TBRs tanked hard. I’m a mood reader apparently. I also think I might have ADHD but I’m a little afraid to get tested so there’s that (I’ve talked to my therapist this isn’t a random self diagnosis). PLUS I find myself incapable of getting past an embarrassing or suspenseful scene in any form of media without being crippled by secondhand embarrassment or tension.

So clearly this resolution was a massive set up for success.

*eye roll*

Either way I wanted to do this for myself because of a rising tide of guilt for falling into the trap of capitalism. I felt horrible seeing the books accumulate and remain untouched. Nary a sniff given to a freshly printed book, no satisfyingly cracked spines. But as my sanskari** dad has drilled into me, “don’t serve yourself a portion of food you know you cannot finish because then I will make sure you finish what you took.” Blah blah Indian values blah blah. I bought all these books, now I had to buckle down and read them.

**Sanskari, as I interpret it, means appropriately behaved, ascribing to proper morals and values**

As of May 16th 2020, I’ve read 24 books: 18 of which were on the TBR list I made at the beginning of the year, 6 of which I got through Netgalley/ Apple books/Book of the Month because I felt like it. The books I got on a whim I immediately sat down to read and finished them within the span of two days. The books I had on my list took me on average a week to finish. According to Goodreads, I am ~currently reading~ 13 books and 8 of them have been on it from 2019 or before. Yeah. Before. I have been rEaDiNg some of these books for over a year.

Me @ myself: BRO WTF get a grip

You @ me probably: ya so what’s the point of this post?

Frankly, I don’t know. Guilt tripping myself into reading my earth-to-moon sized TBR stack? Admitting defeat? Begging an audience for encouragement and advice? Publicly modifying my resolution to accommodate my strange reading critera? All of the above?

???

I think I want to stick with the no purchases+no new holds thing but allow for ARCs and review copies. That seems reasonable considering the books aren’t released, right? I still don’t know what to do with my inability to read a book that vaguely feels like an assignment. I’m trying to treat m collection as a browsable library from which I can pick a mood read. That has worked on ONE book so far. This government mandated Home Alone situation also isn’t helping my drive to do anything. I want to read 100 books again this year but that’s getting farther and father out of reach. I’m not married to that goal but it still feels icky to give up only five months in. I know myself though. It ain’t happening unless I miraculously fine a stray piece of motivation.

Conclusion:

  1. ???? idk
  2. Take a couple of chills pills Saniya
  3. maybe just read what you can this Cornteen business isn’t helping your case
  4. do better next time
  5. only buy books once you’ve read them and know you like them?
  6. libraries are a good alternative to help support my anti capitalist agenda but also support the authors
  7. ???
  8. ??
  9. it be like that sometimes

First blog post is donesies. TYVM for reading.

Was this coherent? Let me know! Got any advice that might actually work? GIVE IT TO ME PLEASE.

K. Thanks. First blog post donesies. Peace.

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